Life never goes as planned. To be honest, if it did, there wouldn’t be much of a story to tell. Unforeseen circumstances, changes, and life events will always leave us scrambling.

In 2017, I was married and a dad to a child that was not my own. I sold my house, left a stable, great paying job with insurance and 401Ks because in the back of my head I always knew it wasn’t what I wanted to do. I wanted to try doing something for myself. My wife Inga gave me the time, space, and to explore. That was a very uncomfortable experience. Putting myself in priority position one was clearly something I could not handle. I had no clue what to do. My self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and every insecurity were subconsciously steering me away from the goal.

I had an inkling in my head that I wanted to help people deeply with their problems. Without fully sitting in the reasons and the options, I chose not to pursue this line of work.  I then chose real estate as a profession, simply because I needed to make a choice and I knew a family member in the field. I had some success, but never fully dove in. My self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and every insecurity were subconsciously steering me away from the goal.

Circa 2020, I knew I needed to change but I was not sure how to start, let alone admit that I needed help to facilitate change. Inga had started a new journey of self-discovery and change, and I passively watched and listened with curiosity and skepticism. Ideas, thoughts, awareness and information slowly seeped into the crevices of my brain. I wanted to be better, and I knew that it included deconstructing every little thing about me and my current state. I came across Shadow Work. It forced me to look deeply at my upbringing, my thoughts on the world, my beliefs about school, religion, money and society in general. How many of these beliefs are truly mine? How much of my childhood experience was running my adulthood patterns? How much do I really act for me and not society’s created expectations? How much do I want to hide the bad parts of me because they would make me seem unwanted?

It is no coincidence that once I dove into this self-study, life as I knew it came crumbling down. My mother became diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s at age 65. Inga and I took her in until we could figure out the next steps for her with my family. This was not an easy task. For 16 months, I watched her slowly decline and lose any sort of independence. There was nothing anyone could do to stop it. Shortly after we made the decision to move her to a memory facility, I was faced with the reality that my relationship was clearly suffering. Unspoken feelings and expectations led to old patterns and behaviors and broken trust. This led to temporary reconciliation and ultimately back to the same patterns and behaviors a year later. This led to divorce. As a result of the divorce, I lost my role as a parent and the connection I had with my son, Judd. This was devastating and I had no idea how to handle it. I lost a relationship, a child, pets, and a home.